Jehovah On Trial: Global Drowning (The Uncut Version)

The recent acquittal of George Zimmerman has me thinking about trials and free passes.  Which naturally got me to thinking:  What if Jehovah were put on trial?

The charges?  Multiple counts of homicide, attempted genocide, infanticide, animal abuse, sex trafficking, slavery, and torture to name a few.

The witnesses?  Well, if you buy the notion that the Bible is “the word of God”, then upon that very premise, do we not have a confession?  In case of  point, if indeed the Bible is “the word of God”, then every biblical account which records such misdeeds by Jehovah or under his command are in and of themselves true confessions, are they not?

As to the multiple counts of homicide; oh where shall I begin?  Well, how about the infamous global flood.  Yep, long before there was global warming there was global drowning!! In fact, so as to not bog ourselves down with too much information at once, let’s confine ourselves at this time to this one particular Biblical account, so as to only have to consider the charges of multiple counts of homicide, infanticide, and animal abuse.

Genesis 6-8 gives us the general account of the setting involving the flood.  The specifics as to why are a matter of record:

  • “Then the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart.  So the Lord said, “I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth, both man and beast, creeping thing and birds of the air, for I am sorry that I have made them.” But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord.”  (Genesis 6:5-8)

So, because humanity was so evil that everyone could only think of evil continually, God destroyed everyone except the Noah family. Yeah, I guess those animals must have had nothing but continually evil thoughts as well.  And the babies, those beady little eyes peering out of their cribs.  No doubt they were just waiting to get on their feet, start talking, and plotting evil against the Lord their God!

There you have it folks.  Multiple counts of homicide, infanticide, and animal abuse all in one neatly packaged Bible story.  Hell, I will even give Jehovah a pass on the attempted genocide rap.  After all, he did spare Mr Noah and family.

Everytime I read that narrative I chuckle as I think back to my church days, which is admittedly not so many years ago.  The story of Noah and the flood is a favorite in Bible Classes in the Church of Christ.  It seems that almost every Toddler’s Class that I can recall came equipped with toy Arks on wheels that the kiddos could roll around the room while their well meaning Teachers indoctrinated them with accounts of God’s love in sparing Noah’s family and the animals which he gathered into the Ark.  The kiddos would place small plastic animals into the Ark, and pull the Ark around the room and sing songs of God’s love and grace.  Good times….

But what we never told the kiddos about were “the others”.  The other animals.  The other people.  The other toddlers their very own age who were not lucky enough to be born to Mr and Mrs Noah.  (What was her name anyway.  Oh yeah, this is the Bible, the names of wives are somewhat insignificant to the overall plot.  For example, you know we are told to “Remember Lot’s wife”?  Well, how the hell do you remember someone whose name you do not even know?  I mean really, come on!  You tell me how evil she was in “looking back”, and you tell me that she was instantly transformed into a pillar of salt, you tell me to “remember her”, but you don’t even tell me her name?  Oh, come on!!  Well, there are lots of details that get left out of Bible Stories, which brings us back to the victims of The Flood.)

Just once, just once, I would like to see the uncut version of the biblical account of The Flood presented in a Toddlers Bible Class.  Can’t you just see it?  Envision a whirlpool set up in the corner of  the classroom.  After the children had helped Mr Noah load the wife and kids and all the local pets into the Ark for the world’s first cruise, then they could help Mr Jehovah destroy everyone else by tossing plastic toy babies, animals, trees, and such into the whirlpool, and then fire that baby up!  Imagine the looks on their curious little faces as they saw the image of the lifeless little faces just like their own floating and swirling around in the whirlpool while the Bible Class teacher told them about the love and grace of God, and lead them in choruses of “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hand”.  It damn near brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it!

Well, that is enough for today.  By his own confession as recorded in Genesis 6-8 Jehovah was guilty of multiple counts of homicide, infanticide, and animal abuse.  We will get to sex trafficking, slavery, and torture some other time.  I am short on time as it is.  Its Sunday morning, and I am late for Bible Class.


4 thoughts on “Jehovah On Trial: Global Drowning (The Uncut Version)

  1. Towards the end of Exodus 32, Moses has 3,000 killed for not sharing his belief and then praises the killers in a manner not different from the way a pro-terrorism imam would in one of his fatwas. It’s the earliest instance, the inauguration, of the tradition of Abrahamic terrorism. In Joshua 12, there is mention of 31 entire cities that were destroyed in order to take their lands.

    I’ve actually thought of the fact that people who derive their traditions from the Bible but want to transcend the more embarassing and vulgar aspects of Biblical tradition, should come together and write an ‘Account of the Ancestral Crimes’ to sort of atone for, and philosophize about how to fix, all the crimes in the Bible. But I doubt that Christians will have the moral stamina and audacity to write a critique of the Bible to serve as a new moral guide. Some liberal Christians may do so, but will likely be shunned by the rest of the Christian community and be considered apostates.

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