A Tale of Two Brothers

Open up your Bibles with me today,

To Genesis Chapter 38.

Let’s talk about two unfortunate brothers,

And learn about their awful fate!

Today we shall learn;

Of the origin of planned parenthood.

And how if you want to live to enjoy the experience,

That at the deed of sex you’d best be very good!

And we shall furthermore learn,

That you boys best not be masturbatin’

‘Cause our lovin’ Heavenly Father,

Such perversion just ain’t toleratin’!

Now these two brothers,

Named Onan and Er,

Were each killed by God,

For they each did err.

Now, as to why God killed Er,

Is a complete mystery.

I guess God had his reasons,

Our Blessed Father of Misery.

To err is human,

To kill is divine.

Er was a human,

So God killed him in his prime.

Now Onan was told,

To have sex with his dead brother’s wife.

But Onan didn’t perform so well,

So naturally God took his life.

You see God killed Onan,

Because on the ground Onan did spill his seed.

Thereby breaking that well known commandment:

“THOU SHALT ALWAYS COMPLETE THE DEED”.

I truly do not know,

If God killed Onan for his “planned parenthood”,

Or whether it was just that his sexual performance,

Simply was not that good.

Or perhaps God killed Onan,

For the sin of masturbation.

As a means of controlling,

The world’s overpopulation.

All I know is,

When Onan’s sperm on the ground he did drop,

That God did kill perverted Onan,

Right there on the spot!

So here’s my advice fellows,

Be mighty careful with your seed.

If you’re havin’ sex with a woman,

Make sure you complete the deed!

Now I am dead serious boys,

If you are givin’ a woman a thrill.

Git ‘r done!  COMPLETELY done!

Or you might be the next one God does kill!

Nonsense

There was an old Jew,

Who lived in a shoe.

Chewing on a piece of pork.

The football star,

Who cruised town in his car,

That dude is really a dork.

Along came a villain,

All day he’d been stealin’,

Eating some chocolate pie.

So forth and so on,

The well rested do yawn,

The truth is so often a lie.

God Blesseth America!

In the beginning God created humanity.

And we were good.  Or so God saideth.

And he furthermore saideth:

Mankindeth, (and thou womeneth) goest thou fortheth and conquerest this the world which I hath madeth by mine own power.  For I  spaketh and the task  was doneth.   I gavest this world to thou (and dont thou forgeteth!  Evereth!), so that those that couldeth, wouldeth kickest the asses of those who cannoteth, so that those that couldeth mighteth establish a nation whichest wouldeth giveth me the credit when thou plundereth, pillageth, rapeth, exploiteth, and conquereth those candy ass weaklings who cannoteth defendeth themselves when thou doeth such things in my mostest holy nameth.   And dont thou forgeteth!  Evereth!

Now, dont worryeth about the details of how to plundereth, pillageth, rapeth, exploiteth, and conquereth in my mostest holy nameth.  I will givest thou a detailed book on how to plundereth, pillageth, rapeth, exploiteth, and conquereth in my mostest holy nameth. I will callest it:  THE OLD TESTAMENT.

Now mankind (and thou womeneth), When thou pisseth me offeth, and thou willeth, then at that pointeth,  if I am so inclineth, then I could just speakest thou undoneth, and right then and thereth, thou would be undoneth, just like THATeth!  And dont thou forgeteth!  Evereth!

But here is the dealeth. When thou dost piss me off royaleth, and thou willeth, then I willeth not choose to just speaketh thou undoneth. I mean, I couldeth, if I want toeth, but I wonteth.   Oh no,no, noeth!  I would rather make a pointeth out of thy needless suffering, rather than to humanely exterminateth thou.  So, when thou pisseth me off, I am gonna destroyeth the world by flood.  Yepeth, the whole kit n kaboodleth.  Adults, children, babies, animals, you nameth it!  Yepeth, I am gonna cleanseth the earth by murdering thou allest in a flood.  But dont taketh it personaleth.  I will do so out of loveth and mercieth for thy most precious well beingeth.

But backeth to that nation which will one dayeth plundereth, pillageth, rapeth, exploiteth, and conquereth in my mostest holy nameth.

God blesseth America!!